More than the depression and the disorders itself, I showed no desire to overcome it. I neglected our relationship.
I claimed that I want to get better but I never actually do it. I don't take my medication, I don't help myself, I don't go to hospital, I don't do anything, I just stayed in bed asking why is this happening to me and expect the pain would go away magically when it was me... who ruined myself. The one who abandoned me wasn't anyone else but me.
He was always exposed to danger and abuse because I was unstable. I ruined his work life, friendships, family but the one that I ruined the most was his heart.
I can't live without him. I need him to live. That's how I felt and feel. But... truth is, I've only known how to rely and depend on others because I didn't want to fight to live for myself. I was in my own clouded bubbles not understanding that I need this space, time and the distance to focus on myself, to love me, to get better.
I neglected all his feelings, emotions and decisions. I am too selfish and too immature to understand that he is different. He wants to live, he wants to be happy, he is allow to move on with life without me because this relationship does not work. I neglected that he is in pain because of traumas, abused, guilty, rage, stressed, overwhelmed and heartbroken.
Whether he was my partner or friend, he is being distant because he has too much to handle in his life, daily basis, supports to others and time for even himself. I had no right to get mad at him for that and I have no rights to say that I did not see or understand it when he was screaming so much how he wants out of this hell. I've tortured him. He is so unhappy, he has changed because I broke him. He struggles so much in life that he can't always be there for everyone else, he wants to focus on himself but that does not make him a bad person for wanting this distant, it's a normal thing to do when someone it's close to losing it all.
There's only so much that he can do, so much support that he can give but he did it all, all more than he can ever give it to himself, he did it all out of love, care and empathy. He really didn't abandon me, he was always here for me even after the breakup but I did not understand that and pushed him to the point that he's broken. He needs a break too, just seeing me getting worse, not helping myself and nothing work because I don't try at all has only been affecting him.
He rather wants to live in a healthy lifestyle and that should be understanding to me. This space, breakup, complete distance and not being what we used to be will give me the opportunity to get better and work on myself. I believe in me and those who are suffering with BDP. We can do this, I'm here for you when you can't but take it slow. I love you people who are struggling with BDP.
The skies are blue and flowers are here to give us joy :)